Diary of an Addict.

[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
First session.

My name is Belial Bane, and I am an addict.

I first noticed my addiction when I arrived on this earth, where people would stare, passing me while naked, cold and alone and do nothing about it. They would stare, in amazement and disgust at me, shivering while blind and unable to speak since my vocal cords had never been used before. I knew little about myself let alone the world around me and all I did know is I could feel EVERYTHING they felt, and it was strangely wonderful. I felt pain all over my body but worse, I could feel their pain, and it tasted bitter. It made me want to throw up.
Then my vision started to develop. I saw people fighting, humans against humans, brother against brother, they were being slaughtered and they felt... fearful. It was beautifully disgusting. Though what I saw was horrid, unlike anything I thought could exist, the emotions coming from them filled me with joy, filled me with an ecstasy I still can't describe, even now. I started searching for it, still cold and still unable to talk for myself and I found a lot of it during what I later found out was called war, it was the strongest emotion I could find down on earth. I finally came across a man, laying near death and when he saw me he freaked, thinking I was a demon sent to bring him to hell. That was it. The fear he gave off was intense, like nothing I had felt and after I he took his last breath I panicked, I wanted more of what ever it was but couldn't because he was dead.
I took his clothes, including a pair of overly large boots understanding that these things could give me warmth, and warmth seemed to be essential for the creatures to survive down here. From here on our i survived by seeking out men and women who were scared, who feared me for what I looked like, but this was hard to cope with. I started to feel guilt, and it was the worst thing I had felt yet. It wasn't nice being on earth, but I didn't fancy dying, not after seeing so many people do it in the war. No, it wasn't for me.
It was when the war started to end, after the blood shed had started to stop, peace started to settle that I started to feel the hunger I know now to be my addiction to fear. There wasn't as much of it as I had grown with and I started to weaken, only finding it in small doses. This is when I started to develop my 'angelic' powers into something useful, into something I could use to get the fear I craved. I started shifting my form, well, shifting perceptions of what people saw, I actually stayed exactly the same, but all around could see what one person saw (this was the first stage of my powers, I later found I could appear the same as I was to most people and only show one person what they feared, which was a lot easier for me).
So there you are, I've admitted about my addiction and told you how I got it. Isn't that the first stage of overcoming addiction? Well... that wasn't too hard at all. Hope the next stage is as easy.

[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session Two.

My name is Belial Bane, and I am an addict.

In the last session I spoke to you about my addiction, and how it came about and I felt a lot better! I even thought I might be able to go a while without feeding, longer than I felt I have been able to in a while... oh was I wrong. It started with the man in the park... My gods what a man. He was already so scared, so afraid to be on his own and I couldn't help myself, I just had to have it. I teased him with his fears and when I finally took it, well... Lets just say I went weak at the knees, it was so pure!
The problem is, I am easily addicted to a lot of things, sugar and cigarettes being the two most addictive after fear of course. I'm only glad I never liked the taste of alcohol or I'd never be sober enough to use my powers to get the fear! But after meeting Reikas - that's the guy from the park by the way; I'm worried. I may have found something else to be addicted to, something far more worrying and bad for my health than the two that take after ciggs and sugar.
physical intimacy.
Yeah, I said it. I've had physical intimacy before mind you, but never like that! That night was... well, i wont go into detail to save my grace but, the combination of being high and having physical intimacy was very VERY hard to forget, and now my body has started to crave it. Now I realise I've become dangerous. I assaulted someone for christ's sake! Actually scared the living daylights out of them AND tried (and succeeded) to... well you know, do it with them, half against their will as well. Gods I need help... Before this gets out of hand.
Why the hell aren't these sessions working?! I need to get LESS addicted to things not more? Maybe I'll just have to start visiting brothels, or Reikas more, but it's hard, because he is a slave, I'm sure his master would notice if he was, well exhausted and more nervous from fear all the time? Right?

If I'm not getting better by next session I expect my money back...

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session Three.

Screw you! Yes I'm a pissing Addict!

I don't see why I have to say that every bloody time?! ... You may have noticed I sound a little edgy? Well I bloody well am. I've been trying to stop myself all f***ing week from having sex and it's taking it's tole on me. I've been smoking more, eating more sugar and been scaring the living shite outta anything that crosses my path! And I haven't even been feeling guilty about it!? Actually not feeling guilty about it has been rather nice BUT STILL!
I just want to get laid again... I want to march over to a friends house, rip off my clothes and tell them to use me!!! That is not normal.
Good thing is I know a few friends that might not consider that such a strange thing to do <3~ Might have to harass them later.
What? You don't advise that? Piss off!! I'm fed up with these f***ing sessions! All you do is tell me to ignore everything I crave and it's just making me angry and miserable!!! Why don't you give up eating and drinking and see just how f***ing happy you are huh?!
...
...
Stop looking at me like that! I will not be giving up sex!!... Cigarettes? NO! And before you ask I’m not bloody giving up sugar either!!

Ugh. I'm going down to the slave market to feed!

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session four.

Do I have to say this every time? Oh, right. Belial, the addict here.

I wanna start off by saying sorry about last session, I’m not normally an angry person... ever! It’s just I was having a stressful time with all the new cravings and trying to starve them outta me. I’m feeling a lot better this week and I’ve calmed down on the whole ’My body hates me’ thing. So we’re cool right? No hard feelings and what not? Good.

Right, so what did I do this week? Well I told you I have a house now right? ... Oh sorry, must have missed that out because I’ve had it a little while now, you know what my head is like! It’s a first floor flat not too far from the centre of town, where I have easy access to all the major places, slave markets, this place, hospital. Plenty to do and see really, though walking past the hospital can flick the switch that are my emotions so much! I walked home past there the other day in such a fantastic mood and before I had even realised I felt like I wanted to kill myself! Luckily that didn’t last long, I don’t fancy dying... Oh yeah, I can die Doc, but only if I really choose to, like... uh? I could get my heart ripped out and I’d be alright, as long as I would have a long time to heal. But if I wanted to die... well, that’s it, over really.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my week. Well I met a dragon! Hay, don’t look at me like that, I wasn’t on a high or anything, I actually met a real dragon called Decimus, he was rather cool... though a little scary. He took me on a date!!! Or what I would consider a date, you know, takes you out for a free meal and talk. After the initial worry about him he turned out to be okay, and REALLY really rich, I mean, I thought I was loaded! AND everyone knew who he was, everyone respected him and basically ignored anything I did, too scared to insult me because I was with him! You seemed to be looking at me lik- Ohh. Well yeah, I have met a lot of men recently, but it doesn’t mean I’ve had sex with them all!!! I’ve been REALLY good. Honest. I’ve only slept with... one of them... technically. I know what you are thinking Dr, and I’m really not liking that look on your face.

Anyway, more importantly than anything, I better be going soon. The guys from the storage company in France will be arriving with my things soon and I need to be there to tell them where to put everything, make sure they don’t break any of my amazing stuff. Yeah... France? That’s where I last had a house is all, I haven’t bought a house in a while and why would I bring more stuff than I could carry while making my way slowly around the earth again?

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session five.

Doctor! I’m freaking out!!!
Calm down? I can’t calm down! Look I’m really sorry to barge in, I really am but I didn’t know what to do!! I don’t know what’s going on and I could barely think this morning once I woke up; Just Look at me! Do I look like a man who woke up normally, got dressed, did my hair and had a smoke? NO! I got up, ran straight here without even knowing where I was going!!! I think I even stepped on glass!?!

I had a dream about him last night... I haven’t dreamed about him in years... decades! But there he was, with that horrid look on his face staring at me, like he did when he first set eyes on each other, I’m shivering just thinking about it. Who? Who do you think?! Oh... wait, I haven’t spoken about my past with you yet have I? That was my last therapist. Sorry, sometimes things like that just slip my mind you know? Anyway. His name is Zadkiel. He’s my brother... technically speaking of course, we were created from the same energy, like un-identical twins. When I was first created, I remember very little, it was all so long ago but I was weak up there, in the afterlife, and my senses weren’t fully developed, but I remember him, even if it was a brief time we spent together. I can always see them, those bright green eyes staring at me with disgust, his brilliant wings and his perfect skin. He is a terrifying specimen of an angel... the one I could never be.

I remember being curled up, in a ball, with my shabby still slightly damp wings curling around me for protection. He could hear ringing, my eyes were sore and as I tried to look at my surroundings it felt like I was being sprayed with mace. My eyes started to focus on what was in front of me and saw legs, travelling up to see who or what they belonged to and those eyes. He pitied me I think, staring down before kneeling, taking a closer look at my eyes and suddenly looking disgusted when he realised that I wasn’t complete. I was ugly, impure, and to him, repulsive.

It’s all his fault I’m like this. If I had been born without him I would have developed properly, and not got sent down here to suffer being addicted to everything, to feel what everyone else around you feels. He stole it from me... all that energy and power! And everything thought he was perfect! Kind, innocent, strong, beautiful! But I know... I know what he felt inside and just what was in his heart! I worry about ever seeing him again, he feels incomplete because of me, and I know he’d do anything to steal whatever I had to make himself stronger. He’s insane, even more so than I am!!! Please Doctor you gotta help me. Sleeping pills, nicotine directly to the heart... DRUGS?! I got out of drugs a long time ago but hell I need them!!! PLEASE!

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session six.

Hello again doctor.

Hm? No, I haven’t really calmed down all that much since last session, I mean, I’m not cowering in the dark anymore or looking over my shoulder at all times scared I’m going to see that bastard I can call a brother; but I’m not feeling utterly fine. I’ve smoked a lot more this week, gone through about... 2 packets of smokes a day, which is a lot even for me, but I’ve needed them to calm my nerves. I took those sleeping pills you gave me too, it helped a little, knocking me out during the night but I still had dreams. In fact, one night it got really bad, I was asleep, and because of the pills I couldn’t wake myself up, it was horrid. Ugh. Mind if I light up in here? Thank you, I’m just not feeling myself recently. Smoking always seems to help a little. When I’m scared I don’t work as well feeding, I can’t seem to scare people easily, I can’t focus.

Someone told me I need more companionship. I mean, I’ve got friends that I like to visit every now and then, but when I get home I’m alone, with nothing to occupy my mind. I’m not too keen on animals, but I really think it might be a good idea. I can feed off them in desperate times and it would be nice to have some company while I sleep... Not in a strange way or anything, just something to look after. A cat maybe? They can look after themselves and are rather affectionate aren’t they. I mean, dogs are cool and all, but they are far too needy, need a lot of attention and walks and shit. I would consider something smaller but they aren’t great company are they? I mean, if you could get dog size spiders I would go for that, I really like spiders.

Yeah, so anyway. I haven’t done this much this week to talk about really. I haven’t eaten that much, hence why I’m not looking brilliant, and my eyes are looking rather dull. It happens though. I’m getting the shakes and trying to keep up with the world but it’s hard. Might have to go find some fresh meat that’s easy to come by, I’m so hungry...

Do you think there is any chance you could give me a few more of those drugs you gave me last week? They really helped with sleeping for the first few days, almost as if I was replying on them for sleep. I'm not addicted to them or anything I just... No, you're right, it's probably not a good idea, don't want you getting told off or anything. Might just have to go and scare the shite out of those bloody twats who live above me. I've wanted to just climb up there for the past few weeks and give them something to really complain about...

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session seven.

Is it safe to come in?
I’m really sorry but I think I just scared the shit out of your new receptionist. I don’t think she was expecting to look up and see something like me looking down at her, fag in mouth and sunglasses on head. I might start wearing some brighter colours, would stop being noticing my eyes first right? What happened to Mary?! She was so amazing, old, happy lady and I’m rather sure she really fancied me, which is always flattering. She would always offer me a cup of tea as well... I guess that isn’t going to be happening anymore, stupid retirement age and even more stupid aging process. Why is it you humans have to age and screw me over?

Sorry I’m a little frustrated by humans and age, it upsets me that there are a lot of people I have loved that have gone and turned to dust. Sorry, depressive state right now, walked past the hospital on my way here and though the fear from whoever she was at the desk was nice, I didn’t get to eat it, she ran off before I touched her. Which is most likely a good thing. Hmm? You wanna talk about my relationship with mortals. What an odd thing to say. Um, where do I start? I’ve been around your kind for a very long time, too long in fact, sometimes I don’t even noticed death. I’ve always had mortal friends, mortal enemies, or worse, mortal lovers. The first person I ... uh ‘shared myself with’ was a mortal, a rather brilliant one too, who loved me more than life itself. I felt the same for her, and watched her grow old, took care of her, and slowly watched her die. Told you it was depressing! What? Of course I miss her, well, actually I don’t miss her that much... Not that much into love anymore, not since I know what it just ends with, boredom or death. I've been left a few times by 'lovers' because we all just live too long and get a little bored.

Bummed you out again haven’t I? Don’t worry, life doesn’t always end badly. It’s the journey that’s important, that’s what I’ve learned with my time on earth. Hence why I run around like an idiot trying to meet a lot of fascinating people, collecting memories and things to remind me. Maybe you should get out a little more Doctor? See the world, help more interesting people than little ol’ me. Aww, that’s sweet that you think I’m interesting and all, but it’s not a good idea to flirt with me~

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[Belial Bane]

Diary of an Addict.
Session eight.

Hay Doc, Sorry it’s been a while.
I’ve been a bit busy over the past week or so, but right now I don’t wanna talk about that. I’m in a bit of a irritable mood today - and for the past few days actually! It’s those bloody kids that live above me, always being so bloody moody. If it’s not sexually frustrated it’s angry and yelling at each other and it’s really not helping me with sleeping, relaxing or sorting myself out in general. Oh, and on top of that, I’m getting really annoyed at the damn people who walk up to me and say: “Hay, what are you? Some sort of demon or bird like creature?” DO I LOOK LIKE A BIRD?! Ugh. It’s just getting me down how no one knows what the hell I am supposed to be. I bet other creatures don’t get this abuse.

Hm? That might be a good idea you know... writing a book. I mean, as far as I’m aware there is only me and one other mara in this damn world, and I still haven’t managed to track him down! He works in the library, but I’ve only been to look for him once... might try again after this session and see if he’s there. We could write the book together if he’s old like me! Then everyone would know!! I wouldn’t have to keep explaining about the whole: I am NOT a demon... technically. It would be amazing, a world where people are not ignorant to me and my origins; though... ignorant and rude enough people to ask don’t usually read books.

CURSES. Oh what to do Doc? Yeah, you’re right, I should go cheer myself by finding this other little mara <3~

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